Bring Me The Head Of Jim Haugh

It’s safe to say that college football season is the most anticipated of all sports seasons. What other sport can sell out 80,000-seat stadiums for intrasquad scrimmages in March? Yeah, it’s only the elite programs that do that, but it’s still more than any other sport. Hell, NFL preseason games only sell tickets because season ticket holders have to buy them.

But I digress.

Since college football is so anticipated, it follows that the sport produces more off-season material than any other sport. And since we’re now into August, that mostly consists of predictions and prognostications for the upcoming season.

And despite the wide variety willing to put forth their opinion on the upcoming season, the predictions don’t vary all that much across the board. All the preseason rags seem to have the same Top 10, the same surprise picks, the same disappointment picks, the same “coaches on the hot seat” lists, the same breakout players and whatnot. Sure, there’ll be some minor disagreement, but it’s not like anyone predicted that Kansas would win 12 games last season, or Appalachian State would beat Michigan, or that the entire USC roster would get jock itch.

So what you’re left with is a bunch of magazines making the same predictions. And a bunch of them are going to be wrong. And you know they’re going to be wrong. And after awhile you get really, really sick of hearing them. Did you ever think “Gee, I wish the season would start so I could stop hearing how Notre Dame is a Top 25 team?”

Well, I have. And with that in mind, here’s my list of stories I’m thankful will go away the nanosecond these teams prove they aren’t up to the hype:

Pittsburgh as Top 25 team and Big East contender. Dear Lord, please keep me from barfing.

OK, I’m a Miami Dolphins diehard, so I have to admit I’m biased about this one. But anyone making this prediction is ignoring an awful lot of history that Dave Wannstedt couldn’t make an in-game adjustment if his life depended on it. Not to mention that he lost a lot of offensive line talent from last year’s team, which is kinda important if you strive to be a power running team. And Lord knows Wannstedt doesn’t know anything else.

There’s no denying Wannstedt has brought considerable talent to Pitt. But talent alone isn’t going to beat quality coaches like Schiano, Edsall, Kragthorpe (hey, he was great at Tulsa), Kelly, and of course Leavitt. Charlie Weis, Kirk Ferentz, and Turner Gill, who’s made progress at an awful Buffalo program, are also on the schedule. If anyone wants to wager that Pitt will go better than 3-5 in those games, I’m a taker. But hey, at least there’s Greg Robinson to keep Wannstupidt from being the worst coach in the Big East.

(PREDICTION: whichever coach loses the October 2 Pitt@Syracuse game will be the first major-conference firing of the season, on October 3.)

This is finally Clemson’s year in the ACC! This one’s real simple. When a team earns a reputation for being chokers, you don’t pick them until they don’t choke. I don’t care how much NFL talent Clemson has relative to the rest of the Asti and Cheese Conference, I’m not picking them for anything above a Peach Bowl loss until they actually do it once. (SEE ALSO: Chicago Cubs.)

Appalachian State-LSU. Nothing against Appalachian State, but it’s much harder to pull that kind of upset when everybody’s looking out for it. It’s also much harder to pull that kind of upset against a team that can actually counter your strengths, unlike Michigan last year. Appalachian looked faster, tougher and more composed than Michigan. That won’t be the case against LSU.

(PREDICTION: There will, however, be a noteworthy I-AA over I-A upset this year. But it won’t be Appalachian over LSU. If I have to pick one, I’ll say Delaware-Maryland.)

Florida Atlantic as rising power in Florida! Loud Howard’s done some fine things at FAU — a football team that draws about as many fans as a Winger/Warrant double-headliner concert — but Dennis Dodd’s “In: FAU; Out: Florida State” thing is way, way, way too much.

Let’s get some perspective. FAU’s win over a Big Ten team was nice, but Minnesota was historically awful last year. The bowl win was nice, but Memphis just plain sucked, and had already lost to two weaker Sun Belt teams. In fact, I argued at the time that FAU deserved a better bowl opponent. And yes, FAU played very well against USF.

But the Owls were rolled by Florida, Oklahoma State, and Kentucky. Florida I can forgive, but getting pounded by those two flaky teams is a bit much to overlook for a team with Top 25 aspirations. Win at Michigan State and we’ll talk.

Coaches on the hot seat! Tyrone Willingham! Greg Robinson! Mike Stoops! Wow, BCS coaches entering their third our later season who haven’t made a bowl game yet. Way to go out on a limb, poindexter.

Just once I’d like to see a preseason prognosticator anticipate the sort of panicky, too-soon firing that happens at 7-5 schools who think they should be 10-2 schools, and soon find themselves as 4-8 schools. Or even a slightly less obvious hot seat choice.

With that in mind, here are some more astute hot seat names:

Al Groh, Virginia. Last year was their best bowl trip in almost 20 years… but they won an awful lot of close games to get there. Like a reliever with a .260 BABIP, it’s hard to keep that up. And UVa started last season with a 23-3 home loss to Wyoming that left the fans booing. With Southern Cal, tough I-AA Richmond (another potential upset), and UConn to start this season, it may not be so easy to correct a bad start.

Dave Wannstedt, Pittsburgh. See above. If he can’t turn the preseason buzz into at least a bowl game, he’d better be gone. Then again, Pitt’s AD is the guy who hired and defended the execrable Bill Callahan at Nebraska.

Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. This may not be such an out-there pick on merit… but the university gave Weis a $30 million extension as a reward for a 5-2 start with the previous coach’s players, three seasons ago. It’d be awfully expensive to make Weis go away if the Irish stink it up like they did last year. They didn’t just lose, they looked totally incompetent. I’ve seen better coached teams in Pop Warner than I did in last year’s Georgia Tech opener.

Joe Glenn, Wyoming. Only one bowl trip in five years; Wyoming fans aspire to more. Glenn has been a fast winner at all his other stops, and one more non-bowl season may exhaust Wyo’s patience. Yeah, I know it’s non-BCS, but San Diego State’s Chuck Long is on everyone’s hot seat list, so I’m counting Glenn as a more subtle hot seat name.

Tim Brewster, Minnesota. It’s only his second year, but the Gophers better not suck as loudly as they did in ‘07 or someone else will be coaching his vaunted recruits. They fired Glen Mason, a proven winner at lower-tier programs like Minnesota, for a lot less.

Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt. I hate to say it, because he’s got such a thankless job — and he’s got this great Steve Martin look — but seven tantalizing bowl-less seasons might be enough for the ‘Dores to move on. Unless they beat Tennessee. Then it’s extension time, baby!

Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State. Finally made a bowl game in his fourth year, but his removal might look justified if he doesn’t follow it up with a second trip.

And finally, the most surprising fire of this season will be…

Joe Paterno or Bobby Bowden. Something’s got to give. Both schools have been spinning their wheels for awhile, and there’s little reason to believe they’ll be better this year. Both schools are also dealing with enough off-field ugliness that another 6-6, 3-5 season might be enough to convince these schools that it’s time to bury Caesar rather than praise him.